Okay so tonight could be one of the worst nights of my life. Actually no, since I've faced alot of bad, heart-wrenching nights so far but tonight is the night I wake up from my dream. Reality's just checked in. I am thankful for my life. I'm thankful to God for all the love I get from my loved ones, I'm thankful I have food to eat, a roof over my head, a good education and an okay, perfectly-working body.
So I guess there must be a reason why my nights are always filled with sadness and disappointment because it is a reminder to turn to Him and no one else. No one in this fucking world can counter God's doings. It is every fucking person for himself. Today is the day I accept my life. To be how it is. Sad but beautiful. There is so much misery but there is so much perfection in everything. Every mistake, every tear, every single hope crushed. So heartbreaking, yet it is a reminder to everything around me.
Tonight's also the day I lost another fistful of hope in love/relationships. But this isn't a thing to cry about anymore because mainly it is acceptance, that it is okay to one day realize I'm never gonna find true love or a genuine sincere love without strains or punishments. Everything in this world is temporary and nothing last forever. I hope one day when I gained enough knowledge and will to repent, I will work my way to earning a spot in Heaven and that is where I wouldn't spend another day of my life being trapped in worry and distress. That is the real life we all want, being free from all these emotional boundaries. Being free from losing control of my own life.
So I created a scenario:
My 18 and a half year old me will assume that I will graduate with a diploma, then hopefully get a degree, work and earn money to travel to places near and far, maybe get married and get kids, then if it doesn't work out get divorced or separated, gain custody of all my children, work super hard for myself and for them, love my kids more than anything in the world and take care of my parents and meet their needs, travel with my kids and watch them grow to never be like me.
To never be as weak as me. To never be as broken inside as me. To never lose hope in humanity like me. If I have kids I'll never want them to be like me at all. Maybe adopt my music interests, but nothing more than that, and I wish they would never meet such cold disappointing nights like I do. My daughter would be a strong, independent woman with a good steady heart, a woman with morals and class and my son would be a humble gentleman who as much as knows how to have fun, also knows the importance of limits and never have his head up high in the clouds. They will grow up to be nothing like me.
Scenario B:
If I don't have kids then most probably I will do all those things minus the kids and adopt stray cats and make sure they are so fucking clean and furry and happy with me.
In both scenarios I repent and become a good Muslim and I embrace death hoping I'll have a forever-happy-always-till-the-infinite-times life. The End.
For now my 18-year-old self is still pretty reckless and rash and naive. I'll give too much love and I'll hurt too much and I'll rebel too much and I'll do things that will only hurt myself. I will feel a sudden surge of happiness for a moment and I will make sure I absorb in all the happiness to last me through these nights. But most importantly, I've accepted life as it is. Sad but beautiful.