I'm gonna have to be frank, ever since my internship has ended, I've been trying my best to not succumb into the dark alleys. It's a fucked-up place. So I kept myself busy, I go out with my friends, I help out here and there, I love, I try to keep myself on the brighter side of the moon. It's a lovely feeling, to spend time with people I care about and feel really happy. I'm blessed to have all my loved ones. But it just sucks to know that if you don't try hard enough, you slowly feel like you're losing control of things..that all that hard work of being in high spirits will go to waste in just one night. And that's all it takes, one fucking night. The moon rotates and you keep running to get out of the darkness but in the end you find yourself in it. My family are oblivious to the fact that I feel this way because I'm always happy with them. I prefer not to bother them with my baggage filled with so much gloom and bitterness since they have better things to think about, and I'm okay with that. I hate to trouble anyone.
I try different means to fall asleep. I don't find it disturbing because sometimes the methods work and I'm only trying to be more practical. It's kind of like troubleshooting an error. (Problem: I can't fall asleep at night due to excessive thinking and mild depression. Solution: Anything drowsy.) When I finally get to bed, I get bad dreams. It's like all the speculation that goes through my head in the daytime suddenly goes to life when I close my eyes to rest. God, it torments me..like a parasite, chewing into any glimmer of hope I have left in my brain. Any single piece of sanity that keeps me acting like a normal human being. I'll wake up in the middle of the night cussing, and totally damaging the mood for the day to come.
Stupid naive 13-year-old Suha, foolishly falling deep into love, thinking she'd be saved by such powerful energy if she were to plummet down into the pits of sorrow. So willing to give. So willing to invest her feelings. So daft. If I wasn't so imprudent and insane and impulsive, maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed with love now. Maybe I would have been a better stronger me, a me that doesn't get stepped on or taken advantage of, a me that would rise above all the sadness and successfully wriggle myself out of the clutches of negativity. Then maybe, now that I have the chance to love and trust again, I wouldn't be such a freaking pussy.
So afraid. So sensitive. So inferior. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of being the prisoner of my stupid fucked-up emotional trauma. I'm tired of being such a weak crybaby who needs to be rescued every single time I lose it. I'm tired of being the slaves of this detrimental, damaging, senseless prison of fucked-up. It's absurd. Haha. Someone once told me that maybe I needed professional help when I was 16 and sometimes I believe him. I'm totally useless when it comes with dealing with the situations in my life so I guess it's only understandable that I'm shitty with my emotions and I can't really get them in check.
Haha well now that I got it out of my system, maybe I'll try a good night's sleep. Maybe the next day I'll wake up, slap myself hard in the face and wake up from all this pointless self-torture. Note to self: WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR OWN DAMN MISERY, YOU HELPLESS CRYING FUCK. GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS AGONIZING MENTAL SLAVERY.
C'mon Suha, don't lose it yet, stay strong.